The First Time

Today I had two first times.

I hung my laundry out on the line in the back garden. I've never done that before and considering I've spent the last 14 years on Dallas and Los Angles, neither city known for their air quality, I find it not unreasonable for this event to have never occurred. New roommate Clare, while giving me shit for never have done so and for not knowing how to do so, was there spotting me and offering tips on technique. I'll let you know how it turns out. I'm expecting good things at this point.

The other first time today was this: my boss pulled me aside as I was leaving and asked me to think about what it is I'd like to do in the office, what I'm best at and what excites me about my job. He detects a lack of enthusiasm in the office and is concerned that people are unhappy with what they're doing and he wants to shuffle us around to make us happy. I've never been asked what I like to do or what I want to do. Well, they always ask you in interviews but we all know that's mostly filler. No one actually cares; they have a job to fill not a job to build around you. "You want to pick and choose what you do? Get your own firm! For me, you'll do this." So as I was walking to Italian I thought about it. For the first time ever. And the answer that leapt out at me was this: I have no idea. I do it because it's what I've been trained to do. Every job I've had, every office I've been in has been a series of "you can draw? good. go talk to so+so and he'll give you work'". And usually so+so is looking at me thinking: great, another girl... what can I have her do?

What do I like to do??? As in, there's an option? I never knew there was an option. I thought it was called work because if it was only what you like to do, it's called a hobby. And hobbies don't pay. At least not mine anyway.

So how do you answer a question like that? I know I got into this field for reasons that have slowly been thumped out of me over the years. I know I'm running this close to total burnout after 7 years. I have never really believed that I was amazing at this job. I know I can do it, I'm quite capable, I have talents but any passion I had for architecture died in the 'toilet/stair detail' phase. And the 'change all the notes that say 2x6 to 2x8' phase. (those were 9 loooong months) It simply has never occurred to me that I get to tell my employer what I like to do, what I'd like to do more of/less of/none of, and that he'd listen. How do you decide that? How do you decide what your strengths are and which ones you think of as strengths really aren't that strong? How do you tell if your boss isn't setting you up?

So tonight, I'm having my Tom Cruise Movie Moment where I roar off into the sunset alone, stare into the distance and look deep within myself to some soft 80's pop song. In the morning, I'll march up to my boss and tell him in no uncertain terms "This is what I want" and he'll give it to me because that's what the script says he does.

Right?