Here's the thing...

It's been crazy here lately and I have all these things to say but they're rather jumbled up in my head which means they'll come out in a rush and make precious little sense. But I have to say them or else, I don't know... unspecified doom waits.

Today I'm packing up the house and moving back in with Flatmate Suzie for a short stay. HMC asked me to leave (or rather, she rudely interrupted my studying and told me she needed my room in January 'for my family') I've been upset about it for awhile, mostly because it was so out of the blue. Every time I'd asked her how her family was doing, they were great. Super. Sunny and delightful fine, thanks. Then I found out that in Ireland, the only way a landlord can legally ask a tenant to move out before the end of the lease is if they need the room for their family. And since then, it's gotten worse and worse. But not catastrophically worse; more like 'death of a 1000 cuts' worse. What bothered me most about the situation is the fact that she never said anything was bothering her. Instead of telling me I'd upset her, or angered her, needed to modify my behavior in some way, she let it fester and what came out was a cold "get out" followed by a series of petty and miniscule rude acts that collectively have made me feel worse and worse. When I started listing it for a friend the other day, she looked blankly at me and blinked. And I felt like a prima donna upon examining the list of misdeeds. Individually, they are nothing, but put them all together and they add up to an entirely different picture and let me tell you, HMC is not a very nice person, to me anyway. (Joe can't listen to any more of it because he's just about ready to come and smash her windows in for being so awful to me) In many ways (cannot believe I'm about to offer this one) I much prefer Nightmare American Roommate because she was so over the top, upfront crazy that no one could fail to see how bad she was. But with HMC, different story. She's cheerful, she does charity work, others that have lived here are still good friends. But, life is about the little things, as discussed in the journal post, and how you deal with the little things, I feel, reveals your true character. Pay attention to the small things people do and you see how they really feel. I told her about something she was doing that bothered me a great deal. She laughed, kept doing it, and then made fun of me for being upset by it while we were talking with friends of hers. She is a different person in front of men than women. I'm a lodger, not a part of the household; I'm something to bully and poke fun at; I'm the anecdote she tells her friends to contrast herself against. It's those small little jabs that reveal who you are. As I've been thinking on this the past few weeks, I've realized there are a lot of little things in my life that I want to change. I'm not such a great person either in this system of judgment, but, if I'm upset with you, you'll know it. Unless it really doesn't matter or you are never going to change. (Only fight the important battles is my motto)

A few of us were having a discussion over drinks the other night about manners and being polite. We have a friend that is unfailingly polite in almost every situation unless decorum calls for another reaction. His is a life ruled by rules and he is offended by nothing but blatant rudeness. This is a wonderful thing. As long as you say it politely, and argue fairly, you can tell him anything and come out ok. Clear the air, hold no grudges, let's move on and go get a coffee. It's a wonderful trait to have and I strive to make it my own. But it got me thinking; manners, breeding, courtesy, it's all a hallmark of a bygone era for most people. But these things are what make it a much better society to live in, easier to get along and to get thru. So why is it so difficult to be nice to each other? I don't have to like you in order to be polite to you. I'm perfectly capable of leaving the house light on for you or holding the door open or pointing out that your fly is down while still not liking you. If I've upset you, why can you simply not say to me 'that hurt, I don't like that, if we're going to get along you need to know this...'? I think the reason confrontation is so difficult, especially with people you know quite well, is because we let too much fester before mentioning something and when we do mention it, it comes out in a scream. It's not about the fact that you left the empty carton of milk in the fridge again, it's really about the laundry list of things that have been happening and driving me crazy but I've not been mentioning. It's about the fact that I find it inconsiderate even though holding it against you and not mentioning it is inconsiderate. This, ironically, is exactly what I’m doing here about HMC. Again, pick the battles that are important and fight those. Keeping her in my life, not that important. Because it's not that she's inadvertently doing things that drive me crazy, slamming the front door for instance, it's that she's actively doing things that are just rude. She can't find me to tell me she's having a party but she can find me to tell me I owe 5 euro on the phone bill.

So I'm moving. Again. Which is annoying in it self but what I can't shake is the feeling of utter and complete failure on my part. I'm ashamed that I cannot make this work. And yet, I'm not the one in control. I'm the one being thrown out without an explanation. I fulfilled my part of the bargain. I pay my rent. I'm quiet and tidy. I don't eat her food. I always offer dinner if I'm cooking and wine if I have a bottle open. I let people know where I am if I'm going out of town, I ask if I want to have a few friends over. I wash the dishes, take out the trash and buy toilet paper when we need it. When something bothered me, I told her about it and I did not scream. I hog the TV + internet a little but when I come in late, I try to be quiet. I simply cannot have done more. So why do I feel like the failure here?